Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Happy Period!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I am guessing you have not. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it is a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always alisamaxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f\&*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best Regards,

Wendi Aarons


  1. just because something is biologically obvious, doesn't make it right, does it? when women are on their periods, they are bitchy, bratty, angry, agitated but it doesn't mean they should be allowed to do it. men also feel sexually excited when they see a hot woman who is a doing a lot of cleavage show. they get the rape/stalking/harassing instincts but it doesn't mean they should be allowed to do it. i don't understand how women actually think that their periods instincts are valid and should be acceptable but men's instincts are shallow and vulgar.

  2. hmmmm...you will be surprised BUT i do Agree with you. I think a LOT of women use it as an excuse to be mean and bitchy. I know a few and as a woman it pisses me off. I do agree that at times women take advantage of their harmones and manipulate others. Its sad but true!

    Then there are others who are genuinely are hostage to the harmones and suffer terrible bouts of depression, pain and mood swings!

    I would never typecast the entire lot of women in one...each to their own!!